I wrote a humor article for the April fools day issue of my paper--apparently these don't get put online, which is too bad because mine came with a really amazing illustration! (not by me, but I wish.) Anyway, I figured I'd put it here. All day (before I knew that the Jack Issue was out) people would tell me really enthusiasticly that they liked my article. I thought they were referring to this one, which I didn't think was that exciting. Then I figured out they were talking about this one. So, without further adieu...

Resident Ducks Rally Against "Lakeum Gooseum"

For the ducks of Lakum Duckum, a bird in hand is not worth two in the bush—especially when the hand is their lake and the bush is Canada.

This spring, Lakum Duckum has seen much greater numbers of migrating Canada Geese. Resident ducks have raised quite a ruckus about their opposition to the new residents of Lakum Duckum, going so far as to hold a protest march all the way across Boyer ave, while passing cars stopped to let them pass.

“Quack,” says a resident Mallard, expressing his frustrations as a resident. “It’s Lakeum DUCKum, not lakeum GOOSEum.*”

Another Mallard stated curtly that she felt these geese have no rights to the pleasantly heated pond if they are not citizens.

“Quack quack,” she said.

The Geese, native Canadians who came to Walla Walla for the relative lack of snow, take the harsh commentary like water off a duck’s back, or in this case, a goose’s back.

“Honk,” said a Canada Goose as she stood on the path near the lake. She said that what drove her to risk migrating to Walla Walla was a hope of a warmer future for her goslings. She feels that the ducks would probably agree with her values if they would only shut their beaks and listen.

A Canadian gander states that he just wants to be able to feed his family, which is difficult during the cold winter months in Canada.

“Hoonnnk,” he says, commenting on the abundant resources available around the lakum of plenty.

The ducks have articulated their fear in regards to the coming spring, when their ducklings begin to hatch, that the impressionable youth may try and befriend, or even model their behavior after the immigrant Canadian geese.

“Quack!” said one Mallard, stating his negative judgment of the character of these immigrant geese.

The Squabble has ruffled the feathers of Landscape Supervisor and Lakum Duckum Expert Bob Biles.

“I don’t understand what all the crowing is about,” said Biles. “It’s not like these  birds lack for anything… and they don’t have occupations or contribute any to the upkeep of the pond.  I don’t know why the ducks have got their feathers ruffled over ownership. If anything, I should be complaining about all of the bird shit that needs to be cleaned up.”

*Translated from duck by former U of O student Musk Ovy, who, when ther, majored in the complexities of duck lingo.