It's always when I'm wearing my dexcom that I get the most frustrated with my diabetes management. Here is a list of some of my diabetes thoughts today. 


Number one: My overnight. WTF is that. I don't even have any control over that. I don't even know.


Number two: I made a vow the night before that I would be a really good diabetic for a day, since I have my dexcom on and so I'd have proof. When I woke up, I had my shot about 20 minutes before breakfast. Then I didn't look at my dexcom again until lunchtime. Which is where you see point number two on this graph. My breakdown. Seeing the thing flatline and having it just tell me that I'm "HIGH" is really fucking discouraging. I had to cry a little bit. AKA a lot. I know that there is so much about diabetes that is out of my control but when my dexcom gets all accusatory on me I can't help but feel like such a failure. Doesn't it know that I'm trying hard today?! Apparently not.  When I get to see all of my numbers, it completely shakes the foundation of what I think I know about how diabetes works. Which really fucking sucks.


Number three: This saturday is my seven year Diabetaversary. I feel like I should be better by now. 
Also maybe I should be less of a H8R on my disease. Yeah. It sucks. It really does. And I just wish I could drop out of school and take up full-time diabetes management so I can figure this thing out. But that's not productive.
It's a part of me. It's teaching me something, even if I dig in my heels and try to refuse. There is no use hanging onto false hopes because they're false. Real hopes--like having a good blood sugar day for once-- are much more painful, because they really matter. Having a hope means working towards it... and that is what sucks.